Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Catching my breath...Finding myself

While watching the Katy Perry movie Part Of Me and balling my eyes out the other day I realized something.  Everyone changes, whether they remember doing it or not.  Sometimes that person you always wanted to be is closer and closer every day.  Guess what though?? YOU HAVE TO WANT IT!

Most people don't know my story.  February of 2011 my parents got divorced after 32 years of marriage.  I don't know what it is but it is almost as if the older you get the harder divorce is on kids.  Don't get me wrong if it had happened when I was younger it would have been heart breaking but when I was 6 months pregnant and starting a family of my own it was devastating.  Everything I had ever known was gone.

It got worse and worse as my mom got a douchebag boyfriend and my Dad sunk really low into alcoholism.

And then just when I thought life wasn't going to get worse it did....

May 9, 2011 when I was 9 months pregnant, I realized I hadn't felt my son move all day.  So I went to the hospital and my worst fears were expected...no heartbeat.  My boyfriend rushed to the hospital, his mom flew home from Chicago, family came to the hospital and we waited.  It was hands down the worst day of our lives.  While going through 36 torturous hours of labor. Getting to hold him and spend even just the tiniest bit of time with him was not.  We all took turns holding this baby we would never get to know but loved with everything we had.

We came home to an empty house, full of stuff to take care of him.  We had named him McKennon (like the bull rider), painted his room and organized everything so that we could take care of him.  We went through all the different emotions, clung to each other like we should have.

While staying home for 3 weeks after I never got the chance to grieve.  My parents were constantly causing drama.  My Dad drinking too much, my mom being a drama queen.  I have always been the strong one and do you think they ever gave a thought to how I might possibly feel? No way.  I have never asked much but in a situation like that my parents should have stepped aside.

In August of that year my boyfriend became my fiance!  It was so exciting.  We had been through so much in our almost two year relationship that most people don't ever have to go through.  It should have made us stronger, it should have brought us closer but that wasn't the case.

We split up in June of 2012.  Worst year of my life.  He moved out and here I was stuck in a house we had planned to have a family in, just me and Marcus.  I will always love him and truly believe he is the love of my life but I'm starting to think that you don't always get to be with that person.  I am just glad to have known that kind of love and to have been given another child by him!

After that I fell into a great depression.

I am not writing this so anybody feels sorry for me, I am writing to let you know how such a dark, depressing time helped me find myself.  At almost 30 years old I am just now realizing who I want to be, what I want with my life and that I will no longer settle for less.

Here are some of the things:

-Working out-I didn't need to lose weight so I can't completely relate to some of the blogs I read but I wanted to have that confidence.  To know who I am, to have energy, to feel great about myself.  Who wouldn't?  I wasn't making excuses anymore. I have even signed up for 3 5k's this summer!

-Baseball-I LOVE baseball.  The last couple of years I have shied away from the things I love, guess it was the depression.  No more of that crap!  I miss baseball, the games, the players, the field, the sunflower seeds, all of it!

-Karaoke-I Love to sing!  I have gotten back into it and have truly missed it!

-Friends-I have been spending time with friends, remembering what happiness is all about!

-Business-I am working on opening my own business.  I make healthy jams, and crafts.  I really want to start selling wedding and party decor!

-Marcus-Him and I get sick of each other but we are closer than ever!  I had to realize I wasn't the only one going through a hard time.  He was too....

I am turning 30 this year.  I wasn't looking forward to it until this post by Ms. Lindsey.  Now I definitely am!

It is a chance for a new chapter!  I admit I have my sad moments, I miss McKennon every.single.day but I can't let sadness and anger take over anymore. I hope if anyone is going through some hard times that this helps you see that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.  You can't control the things that happen in your life but you can control the way you react to them!  I will leave you with the song that inspired my title and some quotes that have helped me through lately....

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told it's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now

Seriously go buy Kelly Clarkson's CD!

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